http://www.engadget.com/2010/01/27/editorial-engadget-on-the-ipad/
This article is a turd. God help me for commenting on the iPaq... err... wait - iPod? iPad? Whatever. God help me for commenting on Apple's new thingy, but Engadget's editorial coverage is beyond nonsensical and beyond stupid. Out of what hell-spawned arsehole did these people crawl? Who writes this crap?
As you can probably imagine, Engadget HQ has been boiling over with heated discussion of Apple's newiPad today.
I'm sure. Unfortunately nobody bothered to boil any of you until you were dead, because you're still typing gibberish.
Love it or hate it (and a lot of you seem to hate it), it's hard not to see it as a pretty bold statement of what Apple thinks general-purpose computing should look like in the future: a giant iPhone.
It's a tablet computer made by Apple. It is not your first-born child. It is not your mother's teat. It is not a bold statement intended for you alone, Chosen One. It is a big iPod Touch with a very pretty screen and a nifty processor.
As you can imagine, that's a provocative vision,
No it isn't. It's a nifty tablet computer with decent industrial design and an easily-accessible catalog of thousands of applications. My mum would love it.
and it's simply not possible to try and condense the opinions of the staff into one Grand Unified Theory of the iPad
Let me attempt to condense the opinions of the staff into one Grand Unified Theory: Shut the fuck up you ignorant morons. Nobody cares about your opinions, you pathetic suck-ups. Your entire blog is nothing more than links picked up from other websites and the occasional stupid editorial. Like this one. You pricks.
so we're going to do what we did for theKindle DX and the Droid, and let everyone speak for themselves.
No. DON'T do that. Really, it's not necessary.
Let's kick it off with the three people who've actually seen and used this thing: Josh, Ross, and Joystiq's Chris Grant.
Wow, you finally did something right. You asked for informed comment from someone who actually has practical experience with what you're talking about.
Too bad you picked these three jackassses.
Josh:
If people walked away disappointed from the iPad launch today, it's likely they had some lofty ideas of what the device might do before Jobs ever took to the stage.
Gee, I wonder where they might have got that idea. I mean, it's not as if you dipshits posted Apple rumors every goddamn hour of every goddamn day whilst simultaneously laughing about how stupid it was that everyone was obsessed with said rumors. You're a commercial website. You do this to make money. Fuck your attitude and your entire existence.
At Engadget, we tend to mull over a lot of ideas about upcoming products without ever really getting too attached to them
You are a lying douchebag.
-- so when we finally saw what Apple had created in the iPad, it wasn't exactly a shock.
Shut UP.
What is was, however, was fairly underwhelming. Maybe underwhelming isn't the right word. Unimaginative might be more accurate.
The only unimaginative thing in this saga has been Engadget's constant humping of the Apple rumor mill in order to make money.
There's no question that much of what the iPhone and iPod touch do translates nicely here, and there's no question that some of the tweaks made to native iPad apps are impressive, but nothing I saw made me sit up and think, "Wow, I need this."
Indeed. Contrary to popular belief, it does not have a vagina and it will not have sex with you.
Especially you.
It's telling that the most intriguing user experiences shown off today were the iPad versions of the iWork suite. iWork? If Steve Jobs hoped to answer the question about why we need this third device, or how it's better than a netbook, he didn't make a compelling case.
Yeah, stupid work. Work sucks. Who works these days? Everybody just writes for blogs, or... something.
Where is video chat?
In your mom's basement next to your filthy magazines.
Where is multitasking (honestly, only one app at a time for a device of this size and speed)?
It's called a laptop. Perhaps your stupid technology blog should investigate this.
Why is the lock screen so embarrassingly empty?
Who am I? Why am I here? Why can't I develop a valid or vaguely useful criticism of anything? Why am I complaining about the uselessness of something so trivial? Why am I a blogger for a blog on the internet?
Why are there no active widgets to fill that huge homescreen space?
I don't know. Why did your mother abandon you in a ditch on an interstate median when you learned to speak?
Where is the expansion of the multitouch user experience?
What expansion? What are you talking about? Do you actually have any suggestions, or do you just ask pointless questions using made-up nonsense phrases like "expansion of the multi-touch user experience?"
And seriously, where are the media partnerships?
Shut up. Just shut up. You're boring me.
Now there isn't a doubt in my mind that the iPad will really come into its own when developers get their hands on it,
Shut up and stop typing NOW.
and I know that I'll find a reason to drop $500 (at least) on this thing -- but for the vast majority of consumers, I think the case for the iPad has yet to be made.
Then you're even stupider than I thought you were, because after berating this supposed fucking sucking piece of shit you now want to buy one in order to fill your pathetic, empty life. Fuck you. Fuck you very much, in hell.
To be continued...
